Crazy Quilt - November 2015

The Theme!

What's up, crazy quilt. Not our fave theme. Much frustration and torment, and for what? A sweet honeycomb like Hex Signs? Retro fun like Tetris? A satisfying art piece like Vicious Circles? Nay. Just a giant interlochen mess.

Dunno about you Dear Readers, but mid‑solve, with a gridful of unsalvageably incorrect guesses, we had to do a compleat reboot and start fresh. Trés aggravating.

Highlights!

• 9D) Turned up as a trap—it's a setup (9)
  UP AS A TRAP * anagram = APPARATUS

Lovely anagrama!

• 14A) Practice seeing about CNN layouts in action (11)
  CNN LAYOUTS * anagram = CONSULTANCY

Mwa! Giant anagrama! Lova lova!

• 15A) Terrify, old‑style, at a distance, taking ecstasy (5)
  (at a distance = AFAR) taking (ecstasy = E) = AFEAR

Love this. Even if “afear” is ohso close to “m'lady.” Absolutely in love with “old‑style” to mean “anachronistic.” Fantastic!

• 16A) Well‑grounded company man (6)
  (company = CO) (man = GENT) = COGENT

Thought for a sec that “company man” = “cog” which, yes, a thousand times yes! It's a little different from that
(or is it).

• 19A) Josephine, e.g.—temptress having no time for us at all? (7)
  TEMPTRESS having no time = EMPRESS

Nice! These clues where you shake out a letter to be left with a new word are like the trick when you whip the tablecloth off and the table remains perfectly set. Mm! Satisfying!

• 22A) A hanging could be silent—listen (6)
  SILENT * anagram = LISTEN * anagram = TINSEL

Yas! The wisdom of the third anagram! Always love these.

• 30A) From other lines, some characters show warmth and caring (12)
  FROM OTHER LINES * anagram froM OTHER LINES Some = MOTHERLINESS

Glorious anagrama! Per Wise Tyler, woops, nottanagram. A daring spanner! Tho the qualities of “motherliness” are kindof like the qualities of “avuncular.” Depends on the mother, depends on the uncle. Like “big brother.”

• 31A) Resort reaches limits in the flood (5)
  (Resort = SPA) reaches (limits in THE = TE) = SPATE

Classic. Nice narrative, freshness in the indicators. One thing Chicago is missing: a spa and bathhouse like the Imperial Day Spa on Geary in San Francisco. Dear Readers, we have legit considered visiting SF again just to spend another day there soaking and steaming.

• 32A) Train tied up in late morning (6)
  (Train = EL) (tied up = EVEN) = ELEVEN

Yes! Our favorite scene in The Fugitive is when Tommy Lee Jones's team is listening to Dr Kimble's call, and Johnny Lee Davenport [correctly] identifies the sound of the elevated train. Watching as a kid, we didn't think of The Fugitive as a particularly Chicago movie, but as an adult it's constant Chicago specificity:f from the St Patrick's Day parade, to the El, to the Polish neighborhood where Dr Kimble lays low (Pullman).


“Don't ever argue with the big dog. Big dog's always right.”

• 33A) Frontless undergarments? Plant kisses here! (4)
  Frontless (undergarments = SLIPS) = LIPS

Hello hello hell‑oooooh! What's up, oral sex. What is up. Nice to see an “undergarments” that's not BRA, btw.

• 1D) Tony's girl given almost stylish band (8)
  (Tony's girl = MARIA) given almost (stylish = CHIC) = MARIACHI

Thisiz aight.

• 2D) A field sport, private, has, without starting, serious defenses (9)
  A (field sport = POLO) (private = GI) (HAS without starting = AS) = APOLOGIAS

Did you know polo comes from the East? As does chess. The cultural claim on both yet another spoil of imperialism. Nearly stuck this in lowlights for all the commas in the clue. That's an excessive number of commas, non? Here's our rewrite:

• Justification for a Greek god (not Latin) near vaginas without truck (9)

softly, sing‑song: “Nailed it.”

• 5D) Dolly gets run down after getting let off outside (7)
  RUN (down = D) getting LET off outside = TRUNDLE

Nice! Harooooooo Dolly!

• 6D) Form of herpes, something that's going around (6)
  HERPES * anagram = SPHERE

MMmm! Wonderful! Now this is what we're talking about! Like a regular sentence you might read in a magazine, no obvious puzzle words, no low‑hanging anagrind or indicators. Smooth and clean, like the sphere in the movie Sphere.

The most implausible part of the movie Sphere was that Sharon Stone married Dustin Hoffman. No but like for real not kidding.

Image courtesy Warner Bros. c/o IMDb

• 7D) Mud rafts, surprisingly stable (4,4)
  MUD RAFTS * anagram = STUD FARM

Surprise! It's the grotesque field of animal husbandry! Eep. Stud farms. But another lovely clean clue. Excellent.

• 8D) Causes smells, as the saying goes (6)
  (smells = REEKS) * homophone = WREAKS

Such a nice run of clues here in the downs! Speaking of Reeks, can we talk about Game of Thrones for a second? Let's talk. We are hardcore true believers in that TV show. We lack the receptor for enjoying the books. It's not personal, it's just a genetic thing. The same way we lack the Gilmore Girls receptor. Anyway tho, we've just about hettit with all this killing people off without advancing the main storyline of Just What the Fock Is Happening in Westeros.

They've just about burnt through our goodwill as a viewer. And we're a Neon Genesis Evangelion fan. Not just fan: evangelist. So what we're saying is, our tolerance for mystery: is high. Our patience with killing off important cool characters while the lamest weakest assholes continue to live: is great. But Game of Thrones is pushing us to our limit.

Maybe that's the point of the show. To teach indifference to that which you once loved. To nurture nihilism (goth enlightenment).

• 12) Outlaws in favor of writers? (10)
  (in favor of = PRO) (writers = SCRIBES) = PROSCRIBES

Excellent!

• 14D) Put in uniform tuition, connected to university medicine (8)
  (tuition = COST) connected to (university = U) (medicine = MED) = COSTUMED

Yass! A uniform is a costume!

• 23D) Perfection, to some, is catch‑up (3)
  (catch = NET) up = TEN

Excellent! Tight, brief, natural language.

• 25D) Loose change, in pun (5)
  change IN PUN = UNPIN

We're in a Rage Phase against super simple anagrams, but this one! Delightful! The fake‑out indicator with “pun” as anagrind. The brevity. The use of “loose” as “loose the dogs of war.” Excellent.

• 29A) A Christmas Carol is a book with no heart (4)
  (book = NOVEL) with no heart = NOEL

Kinda sicka Noël in the puzzle but the language here! So natural. Trippingly off the tongue. Have you seen the trailer for the new Coën brothers movie? We bring it up because, click and you'll see. We are excite:

Lowlights!

• 10A) Republican one flips over: white Anglo‑Saxon Protestant! What a cutup! (6)
  (Republican = R) (one = I) ((white Anglo‑Saxon Protestant = WASP) flips over = PSAW) = RIPSAW

Whoa. Yowza. Spelling out every single part of White Anglo‑Saxon Protestant. Yikes.

For those Dear Readers who are also Max Funsters, besides Notorious Marcel, one of our favorite parts of Jordan and Jesse Go! is when Jesse unpacks common acronyms. Electronic Bay. Information Phone. But the best, the best, the best best best of these is Extreme Box, for XBox.

• 11A) Footloose or shod, showing an island as the Greeks write it (6)
  OR SHOD * anagram = RODHOS

Six words for you: what, the fuck, is this, shit. RODHOS? This clue is an Olympic discus thrown directly into the Mediterranean.

Pop quiz: name the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World! We've memorized them at least once a year every year for the last 20 years. We forget some or all almost immediately. Let's try now!! Has the cycle been broken?? Can we at last remember??? Wonder no longer!

1. The Colossus of Rhodes, in Greece
2. The Lighthouse of Alexandria, in Egypt
3. The Great Pyramid, also Egypt
4. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, in Iraq*
   *if they even existed … Our memory is that the existence of the Gardens is in dispute.
5. The statue of Zeus, in (Greece?)
6. The statue of Artemis of Ephesus with all the boobs on it, don't remember where
7. something in Turkey

How'd we do! (looks it up on Wikipedia)

We missed the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, built by the Persians, indeed in Turkey. Artemis is a temple, not a statue, and her thing is in Turkey, not Greece. Overall not bad!

Here is the many‑breasted Artemis of Ephesus. Those might not be breasts. They might be eggs. Or bull testicles. You can look at this statue and see whatever you want to see here, and learn something about yourself.

• Badly built pound, with ridiculously underlit exterior (3‑6)
  (pound = L) with ridiculously UNDERLIT exterior = ILL‑TURNED

Sure. “pound” as in pound sterling, pound currency. Bri'ish quid. £  Why commonly abbreved to L? Why the L not?

• 17A) Happening under pressure, strike leads to unexpected hiatus (7)
  (strike = S) leads to (anagram * HIATUS) = SHAITSU

What a dum anagram. SHIATUS => SHIATSU
YES SO DUM
WUT A STUMPER

• Unnatural mania for where babies come from (5)
  MANIA * anagram = AMNIA

Like “the amniotic sac.” Aight. Assumed a Jungian “anima” for a while. Our margin notes show a frowny face, altho truly, we're not sure how we feel. We enjoy the clue narrative, of course. Sex maniacs.

• 28A) Rude, oafish, smallish type comes first—or last (6)
  (RUDE * anagram) + (smallish type = EN) comes first = ENDURE

Yah uh “smallish type” = “EN” reads a bit thin. Like as in the slightly long hyphen for use in telephone numbers? Meh.

• 34A) Historic French lover couldn't have been seedier—or could she! (7)
  SEEDIER * anagram = DESIREE

Meh. Why not equal puzzle cluing devoted to slutty men. Who even is this French historical DESIREE who is she even? The only French lady lovers we know are Héloïse and Joséphine …

Bernardine Eugénie Désirée Clary (8 November 1777 – 17 December 1860), was Queen of Sweden and Norway as the consort of King Charles XIV John, a former French General and founder of the House of Bernadotte, and one-time fiancée of Napoleon Bonaparte.

Source: Wikipeed

• 4D) Burr and others, a Reagan in like surroundings (6)
  A (Reagan = RON) in (like = AS) surroundings = AARONS

We have two brothers: Tommy and Chris. Here is a joke that makes Chris chuckle, but Tommy literally can't roll his eyes hard enough:

“I was expecting Chris, but I only see one Chri here.”

“I was expecting Thomas, so why do I only see one Thoma?”

That joke is not very good; that joke is way better than AARONS. What's up tho to my brothers and sisters lovin BROADWAY SMASH HIT HAMMMMMMILTONNNNN!!

• 18D) Something's underfoot—but only in leading (6)
  (but only = SOLE) IN leading = INSOLE

Meh. Do you feel the restraint in not pulling “in” = “cool” equivalency?

• 20D) Traveling U.S. mile for oat meal? (6)
  US MILE * anagram = MUESLI

Puzzle cereal of champions.

• 21D) The old‑fashioned S.A.T.'s—funny, you get a rise out of them (6)
  (THE old‑fashioned = YE) SATS * anagram = YEASTS

Meh. Old‑fashioned and musty … like this clue!!

• 26D) People with reservations losing million in minutes (4)
  MINUTES losing ((million = M) IN) = UTES

Starting now and every month going forward, every time the puzzle ute‑ilizes UTES, Tacky Harper's Cryptic Clues will make a small donation to the American Indian Education Fund. Such is the unearned benefit the puzzle reaps from the names of those who could use a decent scholarship.

The Tacky

Aw jyah, bro‑dogs! The offender this month is none other than Richard E Maltby Jr's all‑time special magic favoritest clue**:
**as indicated in the footer of this very puzzle

• 1A) The definitive manifestation of the human comedy is a crime (12)
  (The definitive manifestation of the human = MANS) + (comedy = LAUGHTER) = MANSLAUGHTER

This was one of the last clues we solved, as well. One of the guesses in our margin notes: MURDER MASTER

Couple things. First thing. Where's that S in MANS comin from. Don't answer that. We weren't asking a question. We were pointing out how we know good and gorrang well that the S isn't coming from anywhere.

Second thing. Boo to male normativity. Fact: we all started out female in utero. Then some of us were virilized. Thus, the protean manifestation of the human is woman—an argument supported by scientific fact. In the distance, you can hear the sound of our woman's laughter.

“Uh, but ‘man’ = ‘human’ has been accepted usage for thousands of years, so whatever,” you might say to us. You might follow it up with, “also I hate change, and also I feel terror at even minor discomfort, so rather than alter any anachronistic or logically void but familiar behaviors, I will instead deny any problem associated with such behaviors, and deny the premise underlying such problem, and attack those who would invite me to do otherwise.”

And to that, we say, “wutever.” To that, we say, “adapt or die.”

Per Dear Reader Unknown WOOPS this is “definitive” as in “defined” as in “edges” or “boundary” or w/e so we take it back, this is not yet another irritating WOMANifestation of male normativity and we were mm perhaps judgWOMANtal in deeming it thus.

So … nothing tacky this month? Nothing tacky this month.

Leave a comment. Unlike Spinoza's god, we always comment back.

Hex Signs - December 2013

Look alive it's another Harper's puzzle! Hannukah came early, and so did the end of the December 2013 cryptic contest.

Before we begin

As we dive deep into the holiday season, consider giving the gift of money to your favorite cryptic crossword blog. We'll just leave this heeeeeeeeeeere for you:

If money makes you uncomfortable, consider leaving a comment. If breaking your lurker code of silence makes you uncomfortable, consider telling a friend about this blog and how much you like it SO MUCH. And then your friend can be like “yah, crossword puzzles I know about those” and you can be like “ERMEHGERD no CRYPTIC crosswords VERY different omygourd omegrod you don't even know! Let me now launch into a twenty minute unbroken monologue to EXPLAIN.”

Any of those things would make us very very happy :)

To the puzzle!

Hex signs. There was another one'a these a couple years ago: BEEHIVE in May 2011. We never got around to a write-up, but one of the answers was the archaic ethnic slur BOHUNK:

bo•hunk /bō,həNGk/
noun informal offensive
1. an immigrant from central or southeastern Europe, esp. a laborer.

Source: The Goog

Is it fine to use a racial slur in the puzzle when most of the negative power of that slur has been lost to time? Is it wrong to sport a mohawk and never consider what it means with respect to the slaughter of the Mohawk people? Do you feel kinda bad right now? We feel kinda bad right now. Glad we brought it up!

Anyway.

Tons of fun had in this puzzle! Four unclued answers relate to each other, and, in some truly sweet visio-linguistic symmetry, the relationship is that each six-letter answer is entered hexagonally and the four unclueds are synonyms for “hex signs”:

• 8) SPELLS
• 11) CHARMS
• 47) JINXES
• 44) CURSES

We found traction early in the north and proceeded steadily counter-clockwise. Several correct guesses about fill placement were crucial to a lean mean two-day solve. We got real lucky, Dear Readers.

Highlights!

• 1) A corny bit? Sounds rank!
  (rank = COLONEL) * homophone = KERNEL

“Colonel” was one of those words we encountered in our early literacy that really bugged the hyeck out of us. “But it's spelled 'coll-oh-nell' ... ”

Same with “Europe.” Both left us with the sneaking suspicion, “ ... there aren't actually any rules here ... why is everyone pretending that there are ... ?”

• 3) Hour in the evening is for returning a little seafood!
  (Hour = HR) in (((evening = PM) + IS) * returning) = SHRIMP

Was hung up for hours so certain it was SCAMPI. Love it, though.

Oh yeah—you should know that several of the highlights this month are just ones that we got hung up on, and then felt disproportionately satisfied to solve. Our intuition was dead on in entering fill, but way off for solving.

• 5) Taking off, entirely untidy. Untidy!
  UNTIDY * anagram = NUDITY

Lovely! Say it out loud. Guaranteed that you can't help yourself from delivering a histrionic hissing “Untidy!”

• 12) Merchant tarred, feathered
  TARRED * anagram = TRADER

Ohhh! Loved this one! Took us a very long time to solve just because it's so sweetly nestled in the idiom.

• 14) Everything Spanish the English geneticists feature
  (Everything = ALL) + (Spanish the = EL) + (English = E) = ALLELE

YuSSSssss! Opportunity for us to showcase our 7th grade memory of genetics. Insisted on trying to fit “TODO” and “TODOS” for several rounds, though.

• 4) More like Frost—with an edge, that is—right?
  (edge = RIM) + (that is = IE) + (right = R) = RIMIER

MmmmmMMMmmmm so good it's bad but then good again, burning hot like fire and cold like ice, oh sweet heavenly Turandot this is DIABOLICAL. Took us forever to get, too. One of the last solves. Can't get over the “Bob Frost = rhymier” implication because mMMMmmmmm!!!!!

Jack Kennedy and Bob Frost

• 20) Mad hatter's in danger
  HATTER * anagram = THREAT

So nice. So sweet and tight.

• Speaker of English in back row
  OF + (English = E) + (ROW * reverse) = WOOFER

YESSSssss. Love when a common indicator IS NOT THE INDICATOR! You won't homofind the homophone this homotime. (whispers to self: make every time homo time)

• 31) Can your city lawmakers employ some leaders in repeated patterns
  Can your city lawmakers employ some = CYCLES

Sweet Vlad got this one. We were hung up on synonyms for lawmakers (ALDERMEN? ROB FORD?)

The Coward Robert Ford

• 52) Docks airman flying around
  AIRMAN * anagram = MARINA

Another hangup! Thought it was ARMANI and kept trying to force “docks” as fashion-related. Very nice how the indicator syncs with the anagrind. Mwa!

Also, this:

• 48) Entreat other elements to accept the Cross
  (OTHER + (Cross = X)) * anagram = EXHORT

Ooof! We were nearly burned by this one, and entered HECTOR. We were capital Confused by that capital Cross. Tricked! Didn't get this properly until the very end when checking our answers against that longo anagram in the instructs (POPE COMPOSED &c).

Lowlights!

• 9) Risk a hearing, being blue
  RISQUÉ (homophone)

Too mucha gimme. Murrrrrrr.

• 15) Puts down question covering more than one line
  (question = QU) + (more than one line = ELLS) = QUELLS

“line” like as in train line, like the elevated trains here in Chicago. Yah uh. No. It's “L” thank you, and if absolutely necessary then spelled out “el.” And so then plural would be “els” like the golfer. Maybe this is a reference to some other kinds of train lines in some other kinda city #chicagochauvinism

Also, we reference this scene from Tommy Lee Jones's Oscar-winning performance in The Fugitive about once a month:

Don't ever argue with the big dog; big dog is always right. Nice to see Joe Pantoliano playing a good guy.

• 7) Phones back around one for the Bushes
  (Phones = CALLS) * back around + (one = I) = LILACS

Tired of the Bush/bush thing, is all. Was swell at first, but the swelling's gone down.

As a sidenote, we do not know how to parse George W. Bush's new (career? hobby?) as an acrylic painter. We could understand pictures of fruit, or mountains, or tall buildings. But instead the Bush works out there are so nakedly vulnerable.

• 21) Fitting left queen one of those fighting
  (Fitting = DUE) + (left = L) + (queen = ER) = DUELER

Dueler is fun but murrrr, sick of queen = Elizabeth Regina = ER. So convenient is the lazy convenient queenly ER.

• 26) Make a home on bench
  SETTLE (double syn)

“Settle” is a kind of bench? Yes. Never hearda. It is telling that every picture of it on Wiki'edia is in black and white:

• 32) Take someone's money, some of which is elevating
  whiCH IS ELevating = CHISEL

“CHISEL” means gouge someone of their money? Like, metaphorically? Not, like, literally? Buh.

• 39) Throat lozenge finally taken in by one taken in ahead of time
  (lozenge finally = E) taken in by * ((one taken in = GULL) + (time = T)) = GULLET

Just these tortured convolutions. These frustrated squeaky little fart clues. All effort, no payoff.

• 54) Set upon a path with an old song
  (path = WAY) + (old song = LAY) = WAYLAY

LAY is an old song? LAY is an old song. More anachronesia.

lay
n
1. (Literature / Poetry) a ballad or short narrative poem, esp one intended to be sung
2. (Music, other) a song or melody
[from Old French lai, perhaps of Germanic origin]

Source: The Free Dictionary

• 23) Extreme alarm caused by man who hires prostitues, as they say
  WHORER * homophone = HORROR

Tried working JOHN for several rounds.

Wouldn't the WHORER be the pimp or madam? Right? Cuz isn't the -ER suffix like -MONGER? Like “roofer,” or “baker”? Like: “I was feeling rather lonely, so I talked to my local whorer ... ” ?

“The horror!”

Also, this: Woulda called 23) the tacky clue ofda month if not for:

The Tacky!

• 6) Busted for swinging scythe
  SCYTHE * anagram = CHESTY

Once again, female anatomy. Shmuh. At least it's just “Busted” and not “Irresistably busted.” At least it's not like, “Something a guy from the '50s would say about chicks (rumpled hour lost as ecstasy)”
That's the thing with these tacky clues. They would have us all be cryptic apologists. Muttering, “it could be worse ... ”

Wherrrrrrre are the puzzle-worthy cocks? One cock. Per puzzle. That's all we ask.

Or how about some butts? The butt: the Great Equalizer. Everyone loves butts.

Also

Special congrats!!! to October 2013 contest winner Anand Sarwate of Chicago, whom we met at the Darwin Deez show at Shuba's in April. We'll never remember how our introductory conversation turned to cryptics. Vlad might remember. Vlad would probably explain, “you immediately started talking about the cryptic, as usual. Except this time, somebody actually knew what you were talking about.”

Proud of you, Anand!

Edit!

What's this? In the answer key for HEX SIGNS, there is a NOTE:

NOTE: The clue for 7 (LILACS) was not an accurate reversal. The clue should have read “Phone back around one Sunday for the Bushes.” Due apologies given.

For reference, the clue as printed was: Phones back around one for the Bushes. Yah. We interpreted “back around” as an anagram indicator because we don't get too hung up on anagram indicators, because, as Dear Readers of this blog know well, we l♥ve anagrams. Love blinded us.