Nothing for Christmas - December 2014

Cute. Empty calories.

The Theme!

The ten unclued entries have haha “nothing” in common because they're synonyms for “nonsense.” Why not synonyms for “nothing” to better fit the title? Cuz titles don't matter, fools!!! Titles are ... nonsense.

Anway: cutie cute theme. Inferred POPPYCOCK (35A) and latched onto this theme early. Altho some of the synonyms for “nonsense” were prutttttty weird.

• 1A) HORSEFEATHERS
• 14A) BALDERDASH
• 23A) APPLESAUCE
• 35A) POPPYCOCK
• 43A) EYEWASH (wut?)
• 47A) TOMMYROT (Tommyknockers!!)

• 1D) HUMBUG (altho we put down HUBBUB)

Waiting for Guffman

• 5D) FIDDLESTICKS
• 11D) SCHMEGEGGE (we didn't get this one)
• 19D) BILGEWATER

More on SCHMEGEGGE under “The Tacky.”

Highlights!

• 15A) B-b-b-b-bugs (4)
  BEES (the letters and the insects)

A goofy loverful fun one! Sweet like honey!

• 18A) Nucleoli, etc. circulating around, top to bottom line, like some debts (13)
  (NUCLEOLI ETC + (bottom line * top = BL)) * anagram = UNCOLLECTIBLE

Big bombossa anagramma! You know we love!

• 22A) I could make binge begin either way, that's life (5)
  BINGE or BEGIN * anagram = BEING

YESssss! The wisdom of the Third Anagram! So sweet. Also reminded of an all-time favorite classic SNL sketch: “George F Will's Sports Machine” with Dana Carvey as George F Will:

George F. Will: Very well. Let us engage the sports machine. Gentlemen, as always, the questions will focus exclusively on baseball, the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose. All right, hands on buzzers. The precarious balance between infield and outfield suggests a perfect symmetry. For $50, identify the effect of that symmetry.

[ the contestants stare cluelessly, as the buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. The answer is: "The exhilarating tension between being and becoming." Being and becoming.

Source

• 32A) What's wrong with getting a new leader? That's the point (5)
  WRONG * getting a new leader = PRONG

YuhhhhhHHHhhh normally, like if the “P” isn't suggested somewhere, this would be a farty bum clue to us but the language! So natural and so smooth!

Our lovely Romanian Sweet V has been politically engaged by his home country recently during the Romanian presidential runoff elections. At the time of writing this paragraph (Nov 16th) there's a 5 km line in Munich to vote for Romanians residing outside Romania. Think about that kind of line for a second. 5 km. 3 mi (ish). In Chicago, that's like you can vote in Daley Plaza and the end of the line is in Lincoln Park. In San Francisco, that's like you can vote at the Ferry Building and the end of the line is in the Castro. In New York, that's like you can vote at the Empire State Building and the end of the line is at the Manhattan Bridge. In St Johnsbury, Vermont*, that's like you can vote at the Athaeneum and the end of the line is at the Green Mountain Mall.
* shout out to ABEvF!!

Not minimizing what happens in USA to keep voters from voting. Democracy is fucky lots of places. Specific to the Romanian character, though:

On Sunday, some Romanians waved toothbrushes to protest long waits at polling stations abroad and thousands protested in Munich, according to Mediafax news.

Source: WLOX

Toothbrushes! They brought toothbrushes to wave at the cameras!!

• 45A) Revolution counters macho street gangs (11)
  MACHO STREET * anagram = TACHOMETERS

Ahhhhh glorious! Annnnnnnnnagrams! Annnnnnnnagrams! Nice story. Double entendre on “counters.” Just beautiful. Just glorious.

REVOLUTION

Speaking of Guy Fawks masks and V for Vendetta: Hugo Weaving is this month's Nerd Hot Guy.

• 46A) Forward or behind in the outskirts of Sydney (5)
  (behind = ASS) in (outskirts of Sydney = SY) = SASSY

Ohhhhhh so wonderful. Oh so lovely :)

• 2D) Look up study of the past (5)
  ((Look = LO) * up = OL) + (study = DEN) = OLDEN

Nice and neat. Trippingly off the tongue.

• 7D) Liquor secreted in barracks (6)
  secreted in bARRACKs = ARRACK

Never hearda ARRACK but this was a nice double-use of “secreted” and also it reminds us of Arrakis. So, automatic highlight.

Arrakis concept art by Mark Molnar. Source

• 9D) Hero, he goes around a soldier in pursuit of love (6)
  HE goes around (A + (soldier = GI) in pursuit of (love = O)) = HOAGIE

Oh!! Such daring natural language, and lovely payoff.

• 16D) Physical condition that is largely misunderstood (7)
  LARGELY * anagram = ALLERGY

AhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
hhHHHFHHHHAHAAALJKFSDJKSDLFKJSD!!!!!!!!
SO GOOD

• 20D) A porgy, sir, swims in bands in the water (9)
  A PORGY SIR * anagram = SPIROGYRA

Definitely uncommon! I like.

Was convinced tho, and still not entirely unconvinced, that there's a synonym for dolphin or porpoise that uses a good percentage of those letters. Some old-timey old-fashionedy word, like that might be all over Moby Dick. Any Dear Readers know what we're talkin bout? Not grampus, altho grampus is an AMAZN word!

• 24D) High-fliers, expert in French and appearing in nightwear (8)
  (expert = PRO) + ((French and = ET) appearing in (nightwear = PJS)) = PROPJETS

Lovely! High-fliers maybe a little awkward, little tiny? But lovely payoff. French nightwear! OUI

• 30D) Pippin, opening canceled in its limited programs (7)
  (Pippin = APPLE) + (opening canceled in ITS = TS) = APPLETS

SO solid! So NATURAL!!

• 38D) Outcome of democracy: being blue (4)
  outcome of democRACY = RACY

Mmmmm v nice! And if one takes it to mean that democracy yields more liberal “blue state” thinking, then fodder for our sister blog Bleeding Heart Liberal Harper's Cryptic Clues??

• 40D) Good actor? Bad actor, I'd say (4)
  (Bad actor = HAM) * homophone = HAMM

As in Jon. Look at this photo and then try to even. You will find: you cannot. You can't even.

• 37D) It used to be contracted as belonging to an old airline? (4)
  It used to be contracted = belonging to (an old airline = TWA) = TWAS

We like this one even though it rides sooooo close to the line of TWAT. Sooooooooo close. Taunts us. Wants us to say it. We shan't. Nice try, Maltby!!

Lowlights!

• 12A) Peter Fonda played this title-role part for minuscule effect (4)
  miniscule effect = ULEE

Whoa, Ulee! Didn't expect to see you'lee here, in a puzzle of all places jk jk. Jk. We always expect Ulee in the puzzle. Ulee in the puzzle is like when someone complains about their shitty landlord. A landlord? Being shitty? Well I never!

Miniscule effect indeed.

“This honey is like GOLD!!”

• 30A) Not loud, more than just a broadcaster (5)
  (more than just = FAIRER) * (not (loud = F)) = AIRER

Loud like in musical notation loud.

Frequently we have been an AIRER of grievances against -ER'isms in the puzzle. They make a Scrabbo game more interesting. They make a puzzle so much less so.

The two-letter word list also makes Scrabble much more interesting. All you vocal two-letter-word list haters (there are many of you, and you are very vocal): eat a cookie and go take a nap. Call us when you're ready to play Big Girl Scrabble, with the big girls. We have the TWL list** pretty well committed to memory, but usually play with the list printed out and open on the table, no penalty for any player to consult it. Which is fair, right? Very fair. How's that cookie?
** yah, fuck SOWPODS! Fuck ZO! TWL 4evr baby!!

• 34A) Great: get back sheep before they're shorn (4)
  ((Great = G) + GET)* back = TEGG

Grumble grumble. The plural implication with “they're” messed us up. You ever do that in the cryptic? “Decide” you know the answer and don't think too hard about the reasoning behind it? And this Scrabble dictionary says TEGS is a word. Anyway.

Sweet V with Cousin Vasile's sheep

• 41A) Lead-free clothing gets hearing (3)
  (clothing = WEAR) * lead-free = EAR

Meh. Eh. Frequent indicator (“hearing”) instead the definition portion but blahhhh. Guh.

• 44A) Consumer appliance with the front removed (5)
  (appliance = HEATER) * front removed = EATER

Nice to split a phrase like “consumer appliance” but otherwise, not particularly fun. HEATER and EATER even rhyme, yo. It's fine when they rhyme. But we all have a better time when it's a little more creative, a little more lat'ral. You feel?

• 3D) Distributor of beer (Coors) decentalized things old-timers played on (6)
  BEER + (Coors decentralized = CS) = REBECS

What's a rebe—ok fine. Learning.

• 6D) Tees off for hot times at the Fontainebleau (4)
  TEES * off = ETES

Callin this out cuz ETES is toujours in the puzzles and can we get a PRINTEMPS can we get a HIVER? S'il vous plaît? Can we get a Spanish month that's not ENERO? This is the United States: everybody knows at least a little Spanish. Not joking. Can we get a MAYO can we get an ABRIL. Can we get a JULIO.

• Acid that helps make you rich (4)
  yoU RICh = URIC

Uric acid is a component of urine. This is the part where we pretend to you, Dear Readers, that we are not a gross person. Eww. Pee that helps make you rich. Pee barons. Gross (haha).

The Tacky!

Why tacky? No, not [just] because it's a word synonymous with penis.

Source: Dictionary.com

Dear Readers, if you knew 11D that is wonderful. Excellent and glorious for you. We were at a loss (our goy is showing). Confident in all our crosses, including faulty TEGS. Leaving us with some frustrating letter guessing games. Scumegense? Scamegeese?

Unclued theme word with letters unchecked? Boo. Not a very nice holiday present. Nuh tat tall. Usually this space is reserved for culturally tacky clues, but this time it's just a tacky cryptic clue qua cryptic clue. By which we mean: “we didn't like it, because we couldn't solve it.” Ego.

We're gearing up early for New Year's Resolutions, Dear Readers. 2015 is the Year of Freedom. Especially including freedom from ego. In preparation, we're queueing up some all-purpose responses for the next time we feel defensive-vulnerable-insecure.

Favorite right now: “eh ... probably!”

example
“Your blog is not very funny.”
“eh ... probably!”

Jk jk, everyone thinks this blog is funny!!

[eyes to the left]
[eyes to the right]

Commenting feels good and makes you more attractive [to us]!!

Playfair Square - October 2014

This was some real bullshit.

We say this even though we were the winners this month, and this is a plural “we” as ye shall see. Sweet V necessar-y. But the sweetness of victory can't stop the smell of pee (the smell is coming from the puzzle).

There are those within our readership who welcome this type of fuckery and unto you we say, “excelsior!” Go for it. Love it. But this type of next-level nonsense was imposed on we vanilla variety cryptic doers, and why? Why do the puzzle instructions trigger psychogenic hallucinations? Why do we feel a Python script is necessary to decrypt this tomb of terrors? Where is that fun lateral-thinking “knowing it's right” quality? Why has it been replaced with a K-hole of trial and error and self-doubt (and nightmares)?

The Theme

Four answers encoded with a “Playfair” square. From Wiki:

The technique encrypts pairs of letters (digraphs), instead of single letters as in the simple substitution cipher and rather more complex Vigenère cipher systems then in use. The Playfair is thus significantly harder to break since the frequency analysis used for simple substitution ciphers does not work with it.

Yar. At times like these, we think of Bohemian Rhapsody: Did you think you could stomp me and spit in my eye? Did you think you could love me and leave me to die??
DID YOU

Natürlich Freddie Mercury is this month's Nerd Hot Guy

And then we draw power and defiance, and feel confidence in our self-reliance. And we have the courage to start solving the problem. Which, starting is the hardest part. Hard part's over.

Ok so: we solved the entire puzzle, including theme clues, but for:

• 1A) Floor kiss—it's not worth much in Moscow (6)
  (Floor = KO) + (kiss = PECK) = KOPECK

The other three themers:

• 33A) Objects to having in new girls' school heads (6)
  to having in new girls' = THINGS
  
  
• 10D) Criminal cowers—I'm held up in a bank, maybe (6)
  COWERS * anagram = ESCROW
  
  
• 20A) Baroque motets produced by some Poles (6)
  MOTETS * anagram = TOTEMS

And so then by filling in the rest of the grid, we had a solid group of pair mappings to work with.

THINGS = S_NGST
TH maps to S and something else (no cross)
IN maps to NG
GS maps to ST

This was clutch. Because the only way these mappings could work was if I N G were in the same row (or col) and if G S T were /also/ in the same row (or column). It made much more sense for them to be in the same row, though, as a character string in the code word at the top of the Playfair square. And prolly all five of them in the same row.

Ok COOL. We pulled out our trusty Scrabbo set. So useful for times like these.

We set up our Scrabbo tiles as I N G S T at the top, as a string in the keyword:

The other mappings:

ESCROW = HGDA_X
ES maps to HG
CR maps to DA
OW maps to something (no cross) and X

TOTEMS = I_GALT
TO maps to I and something else (no cross)
TE maps to GA
MS maps to LT

So exactly as the Wikipedia entry on Playfair says, it confused and perplexed us mightily that mappings for individual letters are not unique. In particular on TOTEMS that MS maps to LT but in THINGS GS maps to ST. Shouldn't the S to T part necessarily have a unique correspondant? Right?

Wrong. The pair has a unique map. Not the individual letter. We were slow to grasp that. We read it, on the Wikipedia. But even then, nope. Still didn't GRASP

We left the tiles on the table for Sweet V and took a nap. When we awoke, the Sweet One had solved it.



Yielding the Northern Hemispherically seasonally appropriate key word HARVESTING.

How did he do it!! “The Scrabble tiles were clutch,” he said. “I could slide columns around and then check.” Once S T I N G was tried, the rest fell into place quickly. Dear Readers with efficient systems for solving are invited to leave comments belowwwwww.

Keyword decrypted, thus yielding the unchecked crosses (underlined below):

• THINGS = SANGST
• KOPECK = DQQVDB
• ESCROW = HGDAMX
• TOTEMS = IMGALT

We hope this was at all helpful to you in parsing the stupid terrible awful bullshit nightmare of the Playfair Square. If you were unlucky enough to attempt it without a Sweet Vlad by your side, may the g0ds have halped ye.

Highlights!

• 6A) Grouse hunting, initially, after old soldier enters Kansas City (6)
  (hunting initially = H) after (old soldier = VET) enters (Kansas City = KC) = KVETCH

Nice. We have an excellent friend, Miguel, whose dad cybersquatted the site “medkvetch.com” for years. He was sure it'd be a seller: an online forum [for Jews] to talk about health [problems]. medkvetch. No takers. Catchy title, though!

• 14A) Saint-Exupèry's fictitious nation (English) (7)
  (NATION + (English = E)) * anagram = ANTOINE

Antoine, quit playing.

This was an excellent psych out! So certain were we that a Le Petit Prince reference was in store. B‑612. Non non!

PS that we and our mommazon took a trip to France the other week. Nice and not-Nice. We had to make a lot of “Nice/nice” puns before our mom caught on. But once she was wise, she was a ruthless punster like her daughter.

• 15A) Go right up to nameless, upset Ann Davis at a screening (5)
  (Go right = GEE) + ((ANN * nameless = AN) * upset = NA) = GEENA

Strong. Love Geena.

• 18A) Part of the Masters of Sex cast act in Entering the Womb (10)
  (act = DO) + IN entering (womb = MATRIX) = DOMINATRIX

matrix

Etymology
From Old French matrice (“pregnant animal”), from Latin mātrīx (“dam, womb”), from māter (“mother”).

Source: Witchinary

Takin' the matrix back to its mother roots! Like 14A), this clue was another psych-out: we were certain it'd be a Lizzy Kaplan or Michael Sheen reference. By the way, have you watched Masters of Sex? Our brother and mommazon love it, so we gave it a shot. But it's so annoying to sit through the “revelations” about human sexuality. Like they have to reconstruct the female orgasm from primitives. Like: “woman's sexual pleasure, a recent invention, a new discovery! Kama what now?” It saddens us a little for the people who lived through that time, alienated from their own bodies and the bodies of their partners. But mostly we get annoyed. Ain't no time for that.

• 20A) Close Encounters II—semantic issues from it (10)
  II SEMANTIC * anagram = INTIMACIES

Oh, just wonderful! Loved. Big anagrams like this always love. Shout out to young Dick Drife.

• 23A) Edward Snowden, for example, is more desolate having got leadership removed (6)
  (more desolate + BLEAKER) * leadership removed = LEAKER

Thought this might be something fun and inflammatory like “AMERICAN HERO.”

• 28A) Stuck in a hotel, perhaps (7)
  LODGING (synonyms)

Stuck in a hotel ... just a few lines down from the Snowden clue and is that mere coincidence???

• 30A) Build up or tear down, it's all the same to my ears (5)
  RAISE (homophone)

Yesss! Love. Similar to UNITE / UNTIE. A word so nearly its own opposite, contradictory, containeth multitudes. Excellent.

• 31A) Relaxed state, finally, in death, introduced by heads of England (8)
  (state finally = E) in (death = END) introduced by (heads of England = LOOS) = LOOSENED

“'Ello, love! Gotta use the loo, Cheerio!” That sentence is a good example of what we might say to you were we showing off our British accent. Just imagine how good our British accent is. Pret-ty good!

• 1D) Group of soldiers cut off the rear? (6)
  DETAIL (de-tail)

Sweet. Simple. Narrative. Lose the question mark at the end and we think it's perfect.

• 4D) Victory over Stravinsky produces zip (5)
  (Victory = V) + (Stravinsky = IGOR) = VIGOR

Excellent!! So fun.

• 5D) It's liable in N.Y. to be mismanaged on a regular basis (10)
  ITS LIABLE IN NY * anagram = BIENNIALLY

Sweet sweeping anagram! Cutting narrative. Beautiful. Not sure why for to include the periods in “N.Y.” except to maybe specify “New York [City]” but then, mismanagement could perhaps duly apply to the whole state, non? N'est-ce pas? Sorry, did we just French? We were just in France, did we mention? Accidentally Frenched you, there.

• 7D) Through with looking old, finish off medicine that keeps you up for hours (6)
  (Through = VIA) + ((looking old = GRAY) * finish off = GRA) = VIAGRA

Nice. Excellent narrative. Through with looking old [in my pants]! Where's the medicine that will keep [my penis] up???

• 8D) Understanding the heart of XXX? (7)
  (XXX = TEN TEN TEN) * heart = ENTENTE

Whoa. This was a fresh take on XXX. Inventive. Lovely.

• 17D) Silences working things needed for driving (8)
  SILENCES * anagram = LICENSES

This one not pertickly specktaclar, just a fun straightforward annagramma, but calling it out cuz it reminds us of working on a Canadian Tire spam email at that corporate marketing gig and one of the late edits was to change “license” to “licence.”
O CANADA
O YOU

Lowlights!

• 16A) First sign of a thaw in cure for disorder in reading (3,3)
  IN CURE * anagram = ICE RUN

What kind of run, now? Our margin notes speculated “SAP RUN?” and “PIG RUN???”

• 24A) Polish 14A, brilliant only for self-revelation (5)
  brilliant only = ANTON

Relies on getting ANTOINE for 14A, and boo. We hate those non-standaloners. “self-revelation” as an indicator for hidden words ... annoying. But also fresh. Haven't seen that one before.

• 27A) Gin, i.e.: distilled strong spirits (5)
  GIN IE * anagram = GENII

Ummmmmmmm too easy. This is a mysterious uncommon? Handed over on a platter right in the first two words?

• 2D) Geometric pattern that's a cross between an endless test and a short-cut is a number, an indefinite number of times (8)
  ((test = QUIZ) * endless = QUI) + (short CUT = CU) + (number = N) + (number = N) + (times = X) = QUINCUNX

We like quincunx, and shout out to June 2012 where last it appeared in the Harper's. But “number” to mean “N” ... twice?? Quincannot. Quincome on.

The Tacky!

Nothing outright tacky to us, aside from the play-nastiness of the Play-Unfair Square. Invented by this guy, Charles Wheatstone:

Image via Wikimedia

Awesome for use as a code. Hard to break. Hard to even, like, do with the instructions AND answer key in front of you. Does it belong in a garden variety cryptic ermmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

Ok but so this victory! We got a voicemail (from Puzzle Minion???) informing us! No letter this time. That was nice. A phone call. Old school. Classy.

Please leave a comment. Especially if you have comments on how to solve a Playfair Square without enormous efforts of trial and error.